


Don't Let Me Go

by AnonymousSpacePrince



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders' Era, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 09:43:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12251820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousSpacePrince/pseuds/AnonymousSpacePrince
Summary: They were best mates: Sirius and James, Padfoot and Prongs, and they could be nothing more. It just wasn't practical. It wasn't acceptable. Sirius had used the excuse of his family for a long time, but now that he'd left them and been burned off the family tree, he'd had to scour for other excuses.Lily says yes to a date with James, and Sirius decides there are some things scarier than being true to oneself, such as losing the opportunity to do so.





	Don't Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> right. so. i've been writing these two for a bit now, but hesitated to post any because i'm stupidly shy about this stuff for some idiotic reason. however, tonight i accidentally deleted the longest, best, most lovely piece i wrote about these two, which i never would've lost if i'd just nutted up and posted it.
> 
> so now that i've stopped crying and realized there are much bigger things to worry about than putting myself out there, here i am, and here this is. whether this is abhorrent and terribly mischaracterized or entirely lovely and beautifully ascribed, i do not know, so you'll have to be the judge and tell me what you think. i do hope you enjoy, and if you do, keep an eye out; i'll be sure to post more.
> 
> p.s. (disregard this if you've never read anything by me before.) if you're a loyal reader of my check please works, i'm awfully sorry to be keeping you waiting for more. i remain confident i'll eventually come back to that fandom, but as it stands, my interest is not drawn by it and i am, as you can see, focusing on other interests right now. please don't fault me too heavily for this, as i have very little say in the matter.

    Sirius had been battling his feelings for James since he'd understood them for what they were in third year. It was easy enough to pretend they weren't what they were, just like it was easy enough to pretend he didn't see the same things reflected in James' eyes. He'd been doing it for years now, stopping just short of the gap between a close-quartered smile and a kiss, just shy of the point of no return, just before opening his mouth to tell James everything he felt when he let his guard down.

    It just couldn't be. They were best mates: Sirius and James, Padfoot and Prongs, and they could be nothing more. It just wasn't practical. It wasn't acceptable. Sirius had used the excuse of his family for a long time, but now that he'd left them and been burned off the family tree, he'd had to scour for other excuses.

    Of course, it had been hardest the night he'd shown up to James' house over the summer after leaving his family home. He was freshly clear of his biggest excuse and hadn't yet found another, and James had held him so tight that Sirius had felt James' heart beating hard against his own chest. Sirius had settled down that night beside James in his bed, because James had offered him to and Sirius had accepted because the thought of the cold guest bed had made him feel too alone. James had smiled gently and squeezed Sirius' arm supportively, and Sirius hadn't quite been able to stop himself from pushing forward and kissing James.

    James had startled and then kissed him back, and then they'd wrapped close around each other and kissed for a long time, almost an hour if not that long, going no further than that but kissing as if it was the last thing they'd ever do, and it felt to Sirius a lot like going somewhere he'd been banned from all his life and discovering it to be where he was always meant to end up.

    In the morning, James had gone to kiss him again and Sirius had stopped him with a stony expression and said simply, "we can't." James had nodded understandingly and backed off, and Sirius had pretended not to see his own aching disappointment reflected back at him in James' eyes.

    They'd never spoken about it again, and their friendship hadn't changed in the slightest, so Sirius told himself everything was fine and continued to pretend it was the truth.

    Eventually, however, his façade had to crumble, and it happened the day Lily Evans agreed to a date with James. When Sirius heard the words from James, a roaring started in his ears, his throat tightening and his heart pounding. He could envision their entire future in his head: a date that lead to more dates that led to falling in love and getting married and having children who would then grow up calling Sirius "Uncle" which would feel so wrong.

    Feeling like the world was no longer adequately supporting him, Sirius stumbled out a poor excuse that may have been absolute gibberish for all he could hear himself speak it. He found himself in the hospital wing, complaining that he no longer felt like he had a soul, as if he'd been kissed by a dementor, and he was given a potion for shock.

    After that, he felt horribly embarrassed and went straight to his dorm, thankful to find it empty of his friends. He laid down in his bed until he fell asleep.

    Sirius woke up hours later to the sight of James standing between their beds adjusting his collar. He was wearing his dress robes: sleek black and trimmed with sheer midnight-coloured ribboning that practically made him look like royalty.

    James noticed immediately that Sirius had awoken and smiled down at him. "How do I look?"

    Sirius couldn't answer that, and had more important things to say besides, so instead he asked, "what are you doing?"

    "Getting ready for my date with Lily," James said simply. "We're going to sneak into Hogsmead and have dinner."

    Sirius felt his throat tighten uncomfortably again, but the more severe of his earlier feelings thankfully failed to resurface. "Oh," he said numbly. "Right."

    Sirius knew without a shadow of a doubt that once James went out with Lily, everything would change, and he would never get a chance to stop making excuses and take James for himself. He sat there with the same numbness creeping over him while James finished setting his robes just right and even tried to smooth down his hair.

    After a time, James said, "alright, I'm off, wish me luck."

    Sirius didn't.

    James headed for the staircase, and Sirius found it harder and harder to breathe as more distance came between them. Just before taking the first step down, James turned and walked back and stood by the foot of his bed, looking right at Sirius. "You're really gonna let me go?"

    "What?" Sirius gasped, caught off guard.

    "You don't have anything to say to me?"

    "This is what you wanted, isn't it?" Sirius asked warily.

    "Yeah," James said, his voice rather flat, "this is what I wanted." He took a breath and then said, "see you when I get back, then." And he walked slowly back to the staircase.

    Sirius could feel pressure building in his chest the whole time, getting harder and harder to contain. Right as James lifted his foot to step down, the word "wait!" exploded out of Sirius in a note of desperation.

    James turned without hesitating and looked expectantly back at Sirius.

    "Don't go," Sirius said.

    "Why not?"

    "Because..." He couldn't say it.

    James arched an eyebrow and said, "Sirius, there are a handful of things you can say right now to make me stay, but if you don't say any of them, I'm going."

    Sirius fought through his thoughts, words like 'please' and 'can't' and 'stay' clicking together in incomprehensible sentences that were nonetheless drowned out by his mother's voice shouting out insults and cruel words. There were a million things he wanted- _needed_ \- to say, but there was one more important than all the rest. "I'm in love with you."

    James smiled slowly, the gesture lighting up all his features until Sirius thought he was more handsome than ever. "Yeah?"

    "Yeah," Sirius said. Now that the truth was out, he couldn't stop spilling it: "I've been in love with you for years, and I want you to be with me, not Evans, and I don't think I can stand it if you walk out of this room now."

    "I'm not going anywhere," James assured him. He walked back over and sat beside Sirius, and he took his hands and held them like he would never let go, and he was leaning in to kiss Sirius...

    But he wasn't. He was still standing by the stairs, waiting on an answer. Sirius had not given one, because he couldn't make the words come out, no matter how badly he wanted to see the scene he'd imagined come to life. James looked disheartened, and Sirius felt hopeless and weak and frustrated with himself. Finally, he whispered, "never mind."

    James sighed softly, looking down at the floor, and he said, "okay," and then he was walking down the stairs and away from Sirius, towards Lily, towards his future...

    But _no_ , that wasn't his future, damn it! His future was with Sirius, his future was a continuation of the present into bigger and better things, not a sudden sharp turn onto a completely different path.

    Sirius jumped up and flung himself down the stairs, catching James halfway down and turning him sharply, holding him there with both hands, unwilling to let him go.

    "Hello," James said calmly.

    "You're the best part of my life, James. I'm in love with you, and you're supposed to be with me, not her or anybody else, and that's why you can't go. I thought admitting my feelings would be the scariest thing that could happen, but I was wrong, because telling you the truth was nothing compared to thinking I was going to lose you. _That's_ what I'm really afraid of, and I'll do any damn thing to make sure it never happens."

    James slowly smiled, and it was the smile Sirius had imagined moments ago, only more vivid and real and therefore more beautiful, absolutely breathtaking. James gently dislodged Sirius' hands from his arms and pulled him into a tight hug, holding him too close for anything to get between them. They stayed like that for a long time, until Sirius' heart rate returned to something resembling normal.

    When James finally pulled back, he was still smiling. "I was afraid you were really going to let me go."

    "I couldn't," Sirius said. "I never will."

    "You'll never have to," James said, as certainly as if he already had a map of the rest of their lives. Their _life_ , together. "Can I kiss you?" James asked tentatively.

    "Yeah," Sirius said. Truthfully, all the fear and years of internalized disregard and contempt had disappeared as if they'd never been there in the first place. Nothing had ever scared him like watching James walk away with his last chance to do something about it, and he now felt that nothing would ever scare him again.

    James kissed him, and despite the fact that he'd spent his whole life surrounded by spells and charms, that kiss was the most magical thing Sirius had ever experienced.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed. please let me know if you did. comments and kudos are very much appreciated and will undoubtedly lift my spirits.
> 
> also, if there are any mistakes, please point them out; i didn't read very thoroughly over this before posting, and in the case of character mistakes, i'm only half way through the deathly hallows, so there may well be something i'm not yet aware of that i unknowingly contradicted.


End file.
